The day after Brenda’s passing over. Forgiveness was extremely hard to do. (Part 20)
(“Twin Souls Odyssey”: Part 20 of the true real time story of a ‘Twin Souls’ connection, and the search for unconditional love, truth, healing, attraction, and spirituality)
A few weeks ago I forgave Brenda Morales aka Fatty for her hurtful attacks on me and my integrity. Fatty is a relative of Brenda José, my departed wife.
On two occasions she attacked me. The first was a shocking surprise. I had made the most terrifying flight from Kuala Lumpur to Hong Kong as soon as I found out that Brenda was in ICU. I heard vague news from her father who missed telling the most critical news that she was in a coma.
I arrived on Sunday 22 December 2013 at the ICU, Ruttonjee Hospital a few minutes before the official visiting hours of 6:00pm to 8:00pm. I noticed Fatty and Brenda’s parents’ maid waiting by the ICU door.
Fatty said “Why are you here?”
I was speechless. Previously I had only met Fatty twice and the last time was with her and Brenda at a porridge shop near Brenda’s parents’ home. My impression of her was she is friendly but a bit timid. But not on that evening. She was fierce, rude, and hurtful.
The second occasion was her posting in Brenda’s Facebook on 01.01.2014. This was her exact words:
“To all Brenda’s friends! Beware, Robert, her ex is asking for donations to be pocketed by himself as he is not paying for anything. I find that he is a scammer, and will do anything to obtain a dime!”
She obviously had issues about me. I do not know what offended her. Fatty bad-mouthed about me to Brenda’s Dad.
Some friends had asked about how to give donations. I had in Brenda’s obituary mentioned that we had no children. And that I would set up a Robert & Brenda Chaen Foundation. We had been charitable and I had previously help raise $68Million in the world’s first live charity FireWalk for TVB-Tung Wah Charity Show as the Coach who coached celebrities to walk on fire. So it was very hurtful to read Fatty’s unsubstantiated attack on my integrity and reputation in Facebook.
Let me clarify. She was my business partner and COO. Brenda and I had separated in 2010. We filed for divorce in Hong Kong but never got to complete it. So legally she was my wife until her last day on 23 December 2013. On the day of Brenda’s death she communicated by telepathy in no uncertain terms that she wanted to be known as my wife until her dying day. I agreed to it before she passed on.
Brenda moved out to her own house 8 kilometers away from mine in 2011. However, we continued to work together as Co-Coaches from 2000 to the end of 2012.
Brenda’s Dad paid for her funeral and her resting grave in Chai Wan Catholic Cemetery. I am very grateful that he did the right thing and honor.
I did offer to help Brenda’s Dad several times in any way and financially on the day of her death. His reply was he would work out the details with his family and he will let me know when the funeral will be. He told me not to come to the house which I thought was odd.
The day after Brenda crossed-over, I called her Dad to clarify the exact Portuguese names for the whole family and siblings. He hung up once. On the second time he left it open. I could hear him shouting: “I don’t want to talk to Robert! I don’t want him in my house!”… and then 15 seconds later he hung up.
The message was loud and clear. I wasn’t accepted in his house.
When I went back to Malaysia a week later I called him for the third time: “Dad, when is Brenda’s funeral. I need to plan her memorial.”
Not invited for Brenda’s funeral
His reply was: ”You go find out yourself!” and hung up. The message was clear that I was not invited to her funeral. I couldn’t believe it – I was not allowed to my wife’s funeral. I was furious. I heard Brenda’s telling me to let go. It would be awkward for her father had I attended.
I was left in a lurch. I wanted his decision on when the funeral date will be so that I could organize a Hong Kong memorial celebration around 1 day before or after, and a Kuala Lumpur memorial celebration.
I decided to go ahead to organize her Kuala Lumpur memorial celebration on 11 January 2014 and the Hong Kong memorial celebration on 18 January. Later it turned out that her funeral was 11 January (her birthpath number) on the same day as the KL one.
A few months later Brenda’s eldest brother, Gerry told me that her father got the maid to throw away everything she had in her room in Hong Kong! I couldn’t believe it.
My priceless memories of Brenda thrown away
Thrown away were my gifts to her – a priceless 1.17 carat (with all her birth numbers of 7 and 11) heart shape diamond engagement ring, a wedding band, a Cartier watch, a rare vintage 80 year old Rolex, a laptop, and a unique stock collection of a few hundred thousands worth of high end museum-grade rings/pieces to beautiful contemporary jewelry which I invested for her to start an eBay business (she didn’t do much with it, she was her own buyer and user, and she gave away pieces and sets as gifts).
I have forgiven Brenda’s Dad for all he did.
The next day after her death, I was writing her obituary-tribute-condolences page in my blog. I noticed that my writing was significantly different and that I was channeling Brenda’s spirit. It was weird but it felt natural.
I wrote that Brenda has now become “the angel of unconditional love”. The obituary was re-written 7 times and dropboxed the amended copies to my ChangeU Team in Kuala Lumpur. It was as if Brenda was approving and proof-reading the versions through me exactly how she would do it when she was our COO. Brenda was bossy-boots and a perfectionist.
Brenda did not want her God-Mother listed in her obituary
In her obituary list she wanted to list all her siblings and their spouses, 5 god-children, and 3 pet doggies. But she disapproved my including her God-Mother Antonietta. I questioned her many times that day “Brenda, are you sure?” It was a strong affirmative. I was ok with that.
Our first separation in 2007 and a suicide attempt
Her God-Mother was the catalyst for our first separation in 2007 when she visited us. Antonietta is a well-known psychologist living in Vancouver. There was a big show-down when Antonietta hard confronted Brenda on some issues. Brenda locked herself in our master bedroom. For the first time Brenda became suicidal. She later claimed she had a clothes line rope hanging from the ceiling of the roof access door of the master bedroom. I was terrified. I ran away like hell, let alone try to support her in her time of crisis.
Borderline Personality Disorder
I went on a planned trip with Antonietta to Langkawi, without Brenda. There she told me for the first time about Borderline Personality Disorder and she suspected that Brenda was one. She convinced me that some mental disorders were in the family – evidenced by Brenda’s second brother Miguel being schizophrenic.
I was very confused at the time. It was the worst period of my life. After Antonietta left I moved out of the master bedroom to another bedroom but Brenda moved down to the living room.
She went to University Hospital for psychiatric help. All she got was heavy medication that sedated her for hours and for 1 month. What she needed then was psycho-therapy and support from friends and family. Nearly everyone abandoned her. Her anchor and Rock of Gibraltar for the first time was not there for her i.e. me.
Her sorry state was also my fault because Antonietta was coaching me how to deal with her. She advised that I get as many friends as part of my support group. Up until then Brenda and I kept all our issues P&C and we would work things out ourselves. Her advice messed up our marriage, and it was never the same again. I deeply regretted that I trusted Antonietta (whom I was not closed at all) more than Brenda at the low point. I was terrified.
Brenda moved out for the first time in our marriage to an apartment some 6 kilometres away – with Sundance, our golden retriever. The second she left the house all her energies left. I was devastated. I cried and cried. A part of me died.
I felt my life had no meaning
That 3-4 months period in early 2008 was the loneliest and lowest period of my life. I wasn’t suicidal but I felt empty inside and life had no meaning. I didn’t care to live. I became insidious.
Published: Sunday, 29 June 2014, 9:42am
Updated: Sunday, 29 June 2014, 2:44pm